HIP #3 — Nancy
Point Break (written on 4/20/10)
It would be easy (and probably factual) for me to say that most of the individuals that influenced me were males. However, there are many women who’ve had an incredibly profound impact on my life…this a partial story of one of them. Sometimes meeting someone at the intersection can seem like such a cursory and temporary event. Over time however, some of those uneventful crossings turn into something so profound, especially if it results in a left or right turn. Or perhaps even more importantly, it caused me to cross the intersection while the traffic whizzed by at warp speed.
A child of the 60’s, I can recall the incredible human drama being played out on a black and white television we had at the time. TV transmitted the daily reports of race riots, body counts, anti-war protests, communist threats, nuclear brinksmanship, and political upheaval. For those of you who saw the movie about the life of Forrest Gump, then you might get a small sense of the images sent out on the airwaves. “Turmoil” is the best word I can used to describe what I was seeing then.
Personally, 1996 seemed to be somewhat of a replay of that for me (at least in my mind). The word “turmoil” might describe what I felt was happening inside my head, my heart, my soul. None of it life threatening, or even that serious in the grand scheme of things, but definitely life altering. At work, I was questioning the importance and impact of my efforts — the career track was beginning to feel meaningless and mundane. Within my social network, some relationships with friends and associates approached the brink of collapse as I retreated from being there “for everyone else”. At home, even more foreboding issues — I was already months into marriage counseling…a process that would last almost two years. I would sit back and wonder what misalignments (or realignments) the planets and stars were engaging in — their conspiracies seemed to create a cauldron of unrest all around me. I was searching for a way beyond what was apparent. I guess I could have dismissed it all as a “mid-life crisis”, but I believe it was much more than that…it was a new awareness of what wasn’t…and perhaps what needed to be.
Sometime that year, I was fortunate enough to be selected to participate in a year-long leadership development process — the NLP. It initially seemed like the right thing to do if I wanted to engage the upward mobility path…take some classes, learn a few things about management and supervision, get the paper (or at least the credit), and move to the next thing. For me however, it turned out to be more of a long term immersion in philosophy education than a management training. Sometimes when one door closes, a window of opportunity opens…
I arrived in the township of Cherry Hill, just outside of Philadelphia sometime in the summer. The first week was supposed to focus on orientation and initial classes. It was a rather large cohort of people going through the same program — approximately 180 people. Philly was already looking like quite a different experience for me. Early the next morning, I registered at the entry near the conference rooms, and was promptly assigned to Group 3. It was here I’d meet those would be on my “team” for the next 10–12 months — a total of nine of us, each as wary and suspicious of each other as we were about the entire event. We would initially call ourselves “The Rite-Aid Gang”, yet this was going to end up very different for me at least, and very impactful. We cordially introduced ourselves just as the keynote speakers queued up. Soon, the entire cohort was off to a myriad of assigned classrooms. I can’t even remember who the introductory speakers were…
The instructors were all consultants, seasoned trainers, or professional development experts. As I sat through the first week, we discussed a number of issues and challenges confronting the business world. Race and diversity issues. Ethics. Affirmative Action. Communication. Management styles. Personality types. She was one of several instructors here, and among all the new faces for me on this day, not necessarily all that notable at first glance. But what appeared to be a person of average height with frizzy/curly black hair, and small round-framed glasses eventually ended up being among the most powerful influences in my life.
She was one of several leading us through the analysis of our personality assessments. Months prior to the Cherry Hill experience, all participants had to submit to a lengthy survey that tested our responses to a number of questions. The result of our responses identified our “type”…a precursor to understanding your engagement with others, as well as our response to others’ engagement with us. It was a rather interesting experience to reveal ones “type”, because once you declared the results of your test to the instructors, they immediately knew what kind of person they were dealing with…and they could automatically adjust their communication and engagement style to reach you in a meaningful way. And she was incredibly adept at doing so.
The teachings at NLP didn’t initially seem all that moving…and perhaps they weren’t. But the process was engaging, and the instructors were more so. In the middle of a multi-class engagement, she closed one topic by saying, “Sometimes you have to decide if that ladder of success you’re climbing is leaning against the right building”. It was quite a trivial thought at first, but would later come back to me (again and again), and the words would ultimately motivate me to momentous change. As I ended that first week of training, those words would become firmly implanted in my mind — like the image of a phantom that follows you around, only to disappear if you turned to look directly at it. I think her notion of the “right building” was the first of several epiphanies that would present themselves to me in coming months.
Over the next few months, the “team” spent time working together, establishing new norms, and generally beginning to gel. Relationships among us continued to develop as we spent more and more time reviewing the “issues” that were central to our training. Our team had been engaged in “virtual” meetings for quite some time and things seemed copacetic. It was quite a contrast to the disorder I’d been immersed in back on the island.
When the second week-long NLP was convened in Charlottesville, we didn’t expect to cross into the storm front.
For the most part, the Charlottesville experience was a blast, but the Rite-Aid Gang hit a wall, and things got personal real quick. Our group of nine partitioned off along racial and gender lines; three Anglo women, four black women, one black man (a complete huckster who captivated all with his entertaining antics), and myself. It was obvious that the women were taking sides, and race was the easiest identifier of which side and they were on. The resulting fission rivaled that of the Manhattan Project. For hours it seemed, a battle raged on. A war of words, accusations, misgivings, etc
The bigger challenge however was that the women expected Keith and I to weigh in, to tip the balance in one direction or other, to help settle who was right…and who was in the wrong. He being much smarter than I at the time, extricated himself immediately and definitively from any debate which would force him to choose a side. Conversely, I had reached the point where I saw the errors of both sides and I entered the fray with total anger. Nothing spells trouble like a neutral third party launching a volley at each of two warring factions (Switzerland, take note). There was no shortage of venom, acrimony, malevolence, or tears. I was not a trained mediator (at the time), but I was done with the BS, the distractions, and the unrest. I’d had enough of that at work, at home, and in my personal life (and said as much).
Nancy, who had been checking in on our progress during this meeting, witnessed the entire implosion. Or perhaps it was just a bit of synchronicity that resulted when Venus, Saturn and Sirius finally glided into some meaningful celestial position. After listening to the heated exchanges for almost an hour, she’d instructed us not to leave it to attend regularly scheduled functions, but rather to engage it thoroughly and completely. Handle it. And then move forward. Honestly, we were more than happy that we didn’t have to be in class at this point anyway (as evidenced by the copious amounts of mascara trails on the many of the faces in front of me).
This may have been my first “F5” experience around her (and there were more), but it was at this point that I think Nancy’s engagement with me changed entirely. Beyond this day, she took to checking in with me more often; to highlighting some of the efforts of our team in getting past the “storm”; to guiding my thought process and reflections, and ultimately to supporting my analysis of life decisions. I realized later that she’d been mentoring me in a way that only few would get the benefit of. And she pointed me in some good directions.
“It’s supposed to be considered an honor to be asked”.
With those words, I encountered a second epiphany in less than a year, and both of them coming as a result of her words. This one came to me in Baltimore, MD. She was asking me to join her (and a few others of her selection) in reciting bits of wisdom that she had compiled. I was uncomfortable with the “out in front” role, but her admonition made me realize that security can be meaningless if it has no context to (and with) others. In Africa, “Ubuntu” is a descriptive word for this…”A person is a person through other people”.
She’d have no way of knowing at the time, but her efforts led me to a long and exhaustive review of what was important…how I wanted to engage — myself and others. What my ethic was going to center on (and not). A few years after my marriage broke up, I had decided to take the turn on the career front as well. It was time for me to focus on something more meaningful and impactful. While she wasn’t responsible for moving me in that direction, her tutelage helped make the decision much easier for me. After I landed…in another state, another state of mind, and another career focus, she continued to connect and support my efforts. She once remarked that facilitation was always within me…and that became more than a bit of affirmation for me as I walked a new path.
She visited the Land of Enchantment once or twice on business…and once when we met for lunch, I relayed some ideas about a prospective enterprise to engage former gang bangers and ex-felons, she latched right on to the idea and immediately set in motion an entirely supportive process. The notion of the “Non-Traditional Leadership Institute” (NoLI) was not my idea…nor can I claim that I truly understood my role in it at that time, but I knew it was important enough to pursue.
We’re not in Kansas anymore…
Nancy would soon assemble some of the most influential and thoughtful colleagues from within her inner circle to help my associates and I with our ideas. She understood the depth of what we were trying to accomplish…she coming from the social services arena herself before turning to organizational development work. What resulted was a truly incredible experience…and one she funded herself. She flew four of us out to the D.C. area, sometime in 2001. She was convening 20 or 30 of the most caring and supportive individuals one could ever have on your side when embarking on a new endeavor. One of them left his home and turned it over to us to inhabit during that long weekend — even spent time teaching us how to work his personal, and highly prized, musical instruments (thanks Mac!).
At her insistence, others came to the movement. One by one, they volunteered to handle (and sometimes pay for) different aspects of the new enterprise. They showed up en masse, with force, and with a commitment like I’d never seen before — ever. One of her colleagues told us that weekend…”Hey, we’re behind you because Nancy’s behind you. If you’re fucking around, then you just opened a big can or worms…because she’s not one to screw around. You’d better be serious about this.”
It was no bullshit statement…and she wasn’t either. All we had to do was bring the core substance, and they’d help get the rest done — with us, for us, didn’t matter — it would get done. That’s the type of influence she has, and she’d thrown it our way. Not necessarily because of what my colleagues and I brought to the table, but because of the relationship she and I had established. And one that came together because she saw something in someone that she needed to develop. (it’s all about relationships isn’t it?)
Despite some challenges of persona, the result was incredible (even if unfulfilled in the months to come). In the middle of all the incredible dialogue, energy, and building synergy that emerged that weekend, an F5 tornado was churning up the nearby landscape. Being exposed to Native American spirituality in NM I had learned that rain is considered a blessing from the gods themselves. I guess then an F5 howler just made it that much more spiritual for me. Her friend Gustavo (who’d traveled from Arizona for the weekend) would always refer to the F5 weekend in subsequent discussions. Another of her associates, Paul Purnell ran into us at the airport on the way out of town. He succinctly stated, “Thanks…I needed that.” All of us were somewhat different because of what she’d done to bring us together.
No words can describe the impact I believe she has had in mentoring me. Yet her modesty would never allow her to fully acknowledge the role she has played. Certainly there are others who’ve had a bigger and more direct (or more immediate) influence on things I’ve done in life, but few would brush off their role as “nothing” like she would (and mean it). Even as I tried to thank her for her tutelage in the past, she seemed uncomfortable with my desires to recognize her efforts.
Regardless, I can’t deny that her connection to me, her relationship with me, and her discussions (however short they may have been), have been incredibly profound for me. Everyone should have someone like Nancy in their lives. I can still hear her asking…”What was your type Eduardo? ISTP? Ok, so we’ve got some effort to make to ensure that things are moving in a positive way”. It wasn’t “YOU”VE got to make some efforts”…it was ‘we’.
The NoLI effort didn’t pan out, but we attempted to collaborate on a few other projects since that time, and we still communicate regularly. Perhaps not as often as we’d like, but it’s like talking to my family member when we do connect — we pick up right where we left off in the relationship, even after months of not speaking. We share stories about those coming up behind us…her granddaughter, my son, and we thoroughly enjoy catching up about our work, our colleagues, our lives. She has introduced me to some incredible people — some who’ve had a huge impact on her life, and have since had a big impact on mine as well (hey, I’ll probably write about a few of them as well).
Hell, if I can pass on a tenth of what she gave me, somebody else will be way ahead of the game. With this I say gracias…a la maestra, la profesora, mi amiga. Regarding these events, others may have a different recollection. But this is how I remember them, and how I choose to remember Nancy.
